Small Beginnings

Picture this...

It's the last day of school. I'm standing with my co-teacher, Ms. B. We are asking all the little kiddies what their plans are for the summer. Unbeknownst to me, I am asked this question by Ms. B herself. What do I say? I tell the class that I want to run a mile. Simple goal that I've had going on two years now. I have always started and stopped as the task seems fairly daunting to me, never having run in my life for any reason except MAYBE if I were being chased.

Before I finished my statement and while the classroom of hormonal pre-teens giggles, points and laughs, Ms. B is apparently searching for sporting events for us to join. Well, she found us one and now I'm training for a marathon. 

A. MARATHON. I don't RUN!! And not in MARATHONS!!

Well, needless to say, this has truly been a challenge for me on all levels. I won't go into great detail here, but I will say this is definitely more of a spiritual challenge than a physical one. And it's definitely a physical one.

I Corinthians 9:24 KJV reads: "Know ye not that those who run in a race all run, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain it." If you can't read French, The Message reads: "You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally."

I will be running (as soon as I raise some money to sign up for the event), with hundreds, maybe thousands of other people. My goal is to run the whole thing. SN: A marathon is just over 26 miles! What is my prize? To be called a good athlete? To get a shiny chunk of metal? To get that slap on the back when I'm done or be on TV for three seconds? All of these things would be neat and give me warm fuzzies, but for me, this is really about being spiritually discliplined.

This is about making a goal that is attainable and taking small steps to reach it. I have done this all my life. I set a goal to get a degree and I'm finishing a third. I set a goal to give spiritual and Biblical counsel to those needing it and I do that. I set a goal to leave Tennessee and I am working on living out my third year here. Big goals. I think big. Running a mile is likely chump change to some people I know. Some would scoff at such a small endeavour because they can do it without blinking or breaking a sweat. Luckily, this ain't about them! Why do I want to run a mile? Mostly, I think I'm crazy, but I know that running a mile means better health for me. Am I trying to be skinny? No. I like my big butt. But I do know that running a marathon, and even training for one, will cause weight loss. Hopefully, I will re-shape the caboose and develop less of a keg in the mid-section, but overall, I wanted to do something I have never done before. 

I wanted to blog about this journey, but hesitated because I had nothing to report. Well, I can report that I successfully ran a quarter mile this morning! I didn't stop or even hesitate until I had reached the set goal. I'm stoked. And I do not have a running partner to keep me accountable. It's just me and Jesus sweating it out. 

So, just for those who want to know the boring details: I run three mornings a week in a cul-de-sac in my neighborhood. The area is very quiet with little traffic. It is roughly one half mile from the street's stop sign all the way around. My friend M taught me to run between every other phone pole and I had started out doing that, but that was too much starting and stopping. So, I modified his suggestion and used the poles as markers to stop. I start at the street sign and stop at a phone pole I choose after I start to struggle. It works well for me. Today, I didn't get winded until halfway around the cul-de-sac!! I'm so proud. I didn't time myself. Right now, the goal is just to run the whole cul-de-sac without stopping. Then after I reach that goal, I will run on the sidewalk towards town. In public view of drivers. This is personally challenging to me for many reasons that I can share privately, if you really want to know.

Hebrews 12:1 KJV reads: "Therefore, seeing we also are compassed about by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us."

The same verse in The Message reads: "Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"

The Essential Jesus-Day One

I use Youversion.com to read my Bible. It is a mobile Bible. It offers many reading plans on various topics of a Biblical nature as well as plans to help readers read through the Bible in a specific amount of time (3 months, 1 year, etc.) I am currently blogging about a plan called “The Essential Jesus.” It is my intention to simply create an understanding of Jesus on a basic level (for myself and anyone who wants to join with me in reading through this plan). It is also my intention to blog daily or at least several times per week.

Please feel free to comment (agree, disagree, whatever you wish). I only ask that you be respectful in your comments and avoid rudeness and vulgarity. An opinion can be shared without abuse. Also know that if a comment or opinion is given, it is given with the understanding that another person can share a comment or opinion about it.

A note about the format: I will post, in the King James translation, the daily verse, verse by verse. Afterwards, via the label “In Layman’s Terms,” I will address line by line a different way to read the verse, kind of spelling it out for understanding. I will also add some commentary on each verse as it comes to me. I will try to put it in a different color or font. If I have skipped a verse in the “In Layman’s Terms” section, I likely felt that verse was self-explanatory or needed no further explanation or simplifying.

I’m very excited about doing a Bible study online for friends and friends I’ve not met yet! God bless you all! I hope you enjoy!

The Essential Jesus-Day 1

Note: SD means Strongs Dictionary; SC means Strongs Concordance.

John 1:1-18 KJV

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

2 The same was in the beginning with God.

3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.

7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.

8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.

9 That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.

10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.

11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not.

12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:

13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.

15 John bare witness of him, and cried, saying, This was he of whom I spake, He that cometh after me is preferred before me: for he was before me.

16 And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace.

17 For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.

18 No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten Son, which is in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him.

In Layman’s Terms…

1. The "Word" refers to Jesus. "In the beginning was Jesus, and Jesus was with God, and Jesus was God."

2. The phrase “the same” refers, again, to Jesus. “Jesus was in the beginning with God.”

3. “All things were made by Jesus; and without Jesus was not any thing made that was made.” Everything, because Jesus is also God and was here from the beginning, was made by Him. Nothing that was made was created without Jesus.

4. “In Jesus was life; and the life was the light of men.” Jesus gives mankind life. That life is our light (see John 10:10).

5. And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not comprehend it. “Comprehend” here means “to take eagerly, i.e. seize, possess, apprehend, attain, come upon, find, obtain, perceive, overtake (SD G2638).” “And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not overtake it.” Scientifically speaking, light cannot be consumed by darkness. This is why our light comes from Jesus. Darkness cannot overtake the light of Jesus within us.

7. Light is capitalized here, meaning it refers to Jesus. “The same came for a witness, to bear witness of Jesus, that all men through John might believe.” John was sent as a messenger to share about the coming of Jesus so that they would believe before Jesus performed His miracles, kind of like a preview.

8. This verse makes it clear that John was not the Light, not Jesus, but was sent to bear witness, “give evidence or testimony (SD G3140)” of Jesus. “John was not Jesus, but was sent to bear witness of Jesus.”

9. That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. Jesus came to “enlighten, illuminate, make to see (SD G5461).”

10. This verse reiterates that the world did not know Jesus, hence the need for illumination or enlightenment.

11. Jesus came to His own people, the Jews. He was born into and lived as a Jew. But His own people did not receive Him.

12. “But to all those that received Jesus’ illumination, to all those, He gave power to become a “child, daughter, son (SD G5043)” of God, including those believe in the power of His name:”

13. Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. “Which were delivered (SD G1080), not of blood (meaning kinship or lineage [SD G129]), nor by active choice or determination (SD G2307), nor by physical strength or prowess of a human person, but of God.” Based on the context of verses 12 and 13, as well as the passages prior, the meaning is that to all those that received Jesus’ illumination, God has given them the power to become a child of God; and this does not occur by birthright/lineage, by a choice on a human’s part, or even by human strength, but by God’s power alone.

14. “And Jesus was made flesh, and lived among us, (and we “looked closely at, perceived, saw (SD G2300)” Jesus’ “dignity, honour, praise, worship (SD G1391),” the glory as of the only “born (SD G3439)” of the Father,) full of “favour, especially the divine influence upon the heart, gift, pleasure, joy (SD G5485) and truth.

15. A paraphrasing: “John said, ‘This is who I was talking about. I’m letting you know beforehand but he is the one; he was here before me.’ ”

16. And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. “And of his “completion, fulfilling, supplement (SD G4138)” have we all received (those who believe, that is) and grace for grace (see v. 14).”

17. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. Moses was given the Ten Commandments (Exodus 34:28) on Mount Sinai. The Israelites’ behavior was such that they were disobedient to God, sacrificing to and worshiping other gods. The commandments were given so that the Israelites would have boundaries within which to operate. Disobeying God meant death to the Israelites. Most of the time it was immediate. Jesus came that we might have life more abundant (John 10:10). But Jesus came to take away that burden by putting it on Himself (grace) without removing the necessity for holiness (adherence to the law). See John, chapter 3.

18. “No one has seen God’s face or person. Jesus declares “tells of (SD G1834)” God.” We see God through Jesus. We come to God through Jesus. There is no other way. To approach God as we are would mean instant termination. He is that holy. We are not at all holy. UNLESS we have Jesus’ illumination and have received his gift, his grace. See John 14.6.

Birthday/Christmas Wish List

Ok, so I'm starting early this year, but it's on my mind. And should you be wondering what to get me for my birthday or for Christmas (exactly two weeks later), I have begun a list here that shall be periodically updated for your perusal.

1. Harvey Birdman, Attorney-At-Law, Season (all)
2. Venture Bros., Season (all)
3. Dexter, Season 5
4. Godiva Chocolates (all)
5. Queen-sized Sleigh Bed, Cherry/Cappuccino
6. Queen-sized bedding (green, rust)
7. DVR
8. Gift cards to iTunes, Target, Barnes & Noble, Wal-Mart
9. Anything from Pampered Chef
10. Godive Chocolates (just in case you missed #4)
11. More to come as the time draws nigh... ;)

Aged

A Facebook friend posted an aging app on my wall. The app was supposed to tell the user what he or she will look like in 20 years. I thought that I might look like my mother (I'm told I resemble her the most).

This caused me to think about her current age, which is roughly 60. I am about half her age. In another 30 years, I know basically what I will look like. Then I thought about how she was when I was 18 and realized she was close to my own current age. By that time, she had already raised her own three children and had participated in raising at least one of her own grandchildren.

I then began to realize that at my current age, she was raising three kids. I came to the conclusion that I am very behind. Not only do I not have any children; I don't have my own place; I don't own a vehicle; I don't own a bed. I don't have anything of real value except my electronics and my life.

I have persistently asked why I am so alone. Why am I *still* single? I'm not pretty. I'm short and round. I'm not the most outgoing. I generally smell ok. I scratch. I am diabetically-inclined. I have a great smile and an open personality (which is how ugly people are generally described on tv and in the movies). I'm very self-aware. I'm very intelligent. I'm even strong-willed when I need to be and accommodating the rest of the time.

So, I have persistently asked the Lord why I'm *still* single. I recognize that I'm "unique," "odd," "different," "eccentric," "quirky," and "weird." People that truly know me LOVE me. So, I am dumbfounded.

I thought all these things in the span of about 15 minutes on the way home from work.

My conclusion? To keep on keeping on. There is an answer and the Lord has it. He will share "why" with me eventually. Someday, I will get to raise some kids, even if I never birth them or get to raise them in a traditional family. Someday, I will own something of real value (like a house or vehicle; maybe even some furniture). Someday, I will have someone to come home to, someone who will be ever so excited to see me and hear about my day and figure out what makes me tick.

In the meantime, I will continue to go to work, go to school and snuggle with my Kitty Poo...

Match!

So, I have a free account on Match.com and this guy "winked" at me... Please enjoy. I certainly do...

****

A little about me...
KEEP IT REAL OR KEEP IT MOVING. THAT'S MY PERSONALITY IN A NUT SHELL. I RULE MONEY, MONEY DON'T RULE ME. I MAKE MONEY, MONEY DON'T MAKE ME. I HAVE A (15)YEAR CAREER AND I LOVE IT .I WANT A BBW WITH PRETTY FEET! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW..NO CORNS, BUNIONS, HAMMERTOES AND FLAT FEET. I WILL NOT BEND ON THIS RULE SO DON'T ASK ME TOO YOU WILL GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT. SHALLOW, RUDE, HOSTILE?NO REAL. IT IS WHAT IT IS .YOU LIKE PRETTY TEETH AND I LIKE PRETTY FEET. I'M ON HERE LOOKING FOR A WIFE NOT A ONE NITE STAND SO WHO IN HELL WANTS TO WAKE UP TO CORNS AND BUNIONS FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE? NOT ME. I HAVE PRETTY FEET AND SO SHOULD MY WIFE. IF YOU'RE IN THE FOLLOWING AREAS PLEASE DO NOT REPOND TO ME: PEN PAL, FRIENDS ONLY, CASUALDATING ,PHONEMATE AND JUST PLAIN BORED WITH NOTHING TO DO. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!I DON'T NEED TO HEAR WHAT DOES PRETTY FEET GOTTA DO WITH LOVE DON'T INSULT ME OR YOURSELF FOR THAT FACT. YOU LIKE PRETTY TEETH AND I LIKE PRETTY FEET. HEY IT IS WHAT IT IS GET OVER IT ALREADY. I WANT A BBW WITH PRETTY FEET!!I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE IT MAY SOUND DUMB AND CORNY BUT IT'S REAL. I'M NOT SAYIN THAT 50 IS THE NEW 30 ALL I'M SAYIN IS THAT IF YOU HAVE A AGE HANGUP, THEN KEEP IT MOVIN. I DON'T LOOK MY AGE AND YES THAT'S A RECENT PIC. THAT'S FOR REAL NO JOKE !! I'm not on here for games and one night stands..I'm looking for my soul mate a Wife my best friend..Many Men will catch your eyes... but only one will catch your Heart..that would be me thank you ! If you have a bunch of Male friends..NEXT..If you have ugly feet..NEXT...If your cell phone is more important than me..NEXT...If you don't agree with love at first sight...NEXT...If all of your pics are with a bunch of Men..NEXT...If you don't have no pictures of you by yourself and I cant tell who you are NEXT...If you don't want a Engagement Ring...NEXT...If you don't want a Husband...NEXT...If you got a problem with my age..NEXT... If your best friend is a Man...NEXT...If you are a Liar...NEXT...If you are not Serious...NEXT...If you are not ready to settle down...NEXT...If I can't be the only Man in your life...NEXT...If you are not looking for a long term relationship...NEXT...If you are no attracted to me and don't like what you see...NEXT... If you are not Drug and Disease free...NEXT...If you got a Corn on your baby toe...NEXT...If you got Flat feet or a Bunion...NEXT...If you think this profile is a Joke...NEXT... If you have wandering eyes...NEXT...If you think 3's Company....NEXT....If you are looking for a booty call...NEXT...If your Friends come before me...NEXT...If you think I'm Crazy...NEXT...If this profile is to real and too strong for you ...NEXT.. ...NEXT....NEXT.. A closed mouth don't get fed...If you want a one night stand or just Sex...NEXT... If you don't want to be in Love for real...NEXT...If you think E-mailing is the way to my Heart..NEXT...If you know you're full of it...NEXT...If you have nothing better to than read my profile because you're bored and can't sleep...NEXT...If you don't want me to put a Ring on it...NEXT...If you want to hide behind a Computer and sell Dreams and tell Lies...NEXT...If you think this profile is RUDE and not REAL...NEXT...If you are just surfing the net...NEXT...If you have a judgement call on this profile...NEXT...Rude ? No!..REAL !! ...If you have a comment about my profile...NEXT...If I left something out...NEXT...If this profile is too long...NEXT...If you read this long...long...profile and like what you see and read....STAY A WHILE...If you're not Real. that means Fake...NEXT...If you find this profile funny ..NEXT...You're not ready for me !If you got a bunch of pretty boys you call friends...You guessed it. ..NEXT... If you are full of it...NEXT...If you don't want a long distance relationship....NEXT...If you don't like what you're reading right now...NEXT...IT IS WHAT IT IS..I just know what I want and won't settle so on that note...NEXT....And oh yes Ladies I do have a College Degree

So dreamy... *sigh*

Engrish

So, as a teacher who specializes in language arts, I feel it is my duty to discuss it.

It is imperative, as American citizens, to understand that written language requires the proper usage of punctuation. For example, I have used a tiny jot called a period three times so far. The period is necessary so that the reader knows when to pause. It is necessary. Let me repeat, it is NECESSARY. The period means you have completed a thought. You have expressed it. Done. It is representative of the natural pause given when a person speaks.

Secondly, there is a tiny mark called a comma that is used to signify another pause. This little guy is mainly used to allow for a tiny transition from one thought to another. It may not be a complete thought to a complete thought, but the thoughts are there and there should be a pause. It's almost there for someone simply to take a breath and continue speaking.

People do not speak with commas and periods, but we do speak with natural pauses. Mostly. We are not (generally speaking) ramblers, speaking a flow of words with no end. We have to eat and sleep. Natural pause.

Let's look at a few examples.

"My name is Betty. I live in a house. I have a cat and a dog and I like to eat food that is warm and salty. I drive to work every day. I walk home every night."

"My name is Betty I live in a house I have a cat and a dog and I like to eat food that is warm and salty I drive to work every day I walk home every night."

The second paragraph is not as easy to read as the first. It is also more difficult to listen to, by the way. Imagine a cute kid with a button nose and doe eyes looking up at you with his two missing front teeth talking at top speed about the merits of space travel with no pauses. Cute but hard to follow (perhaps) and hard to endure (nearly always).

Use punctuation. It's our civic duty.

Satan

So, I’m starting a series, I think.

On Satan.

I have studied this guy for years. He’s very wily. But ultimately, he’s doomed. It’s my belief that one should know his or her enemy. He is truly the only enemy humans have, including those humans who do not believe in such a creature.

I will use the Bible as my main resource, but I will also interject other sources that I come across. I will try to make sure they are reliable sources as this is not about fear-mongering or bashing anyone except Satan himself.

If you are easily intimidated by such things or you are scared out of your mind about dark and evil things, I encourage you to think long and hard about participating in this study. I even encourage you to pray long and hard about participating in this study. Pray to God, Jesus AND the Holy Spirit, because you will need the support. This subject should not be taken lightly in any way. Satan is nothing to mess around with, especially out of ignorance or curiosity.

This study is not out of curiosity. It is what I do. It is what I am called by God to do. It is what Jesus leads me to do and the Holy Spirit empowers me to do it. My dad, a pastor for many years, says that “[E]veryone who is not saved is a practicing satanist… They fear you and who is in you.” This is true. However, I want to add to this thought that it is one thing to unknowingly be blinded by his deceptions (i.e. complete denial of all things spiritual, or denial of God or evil) and another to worship the devil himself and acknowledge it. It’s this latter point that I will be researching.

I will interview satanists that I come across and include portions of the interviews here. All names and identifying information will be changed or omitted in the interest of confidentiality.

Please read Romans 12 in your favorite translation (I will mostly use The Message translation here as it’s easy to read and understand). I encourage you to check out http://www.bible.com/ and read this passage in several translations just to get a “rounder” understanding of this Word. Romans 12, summed up, states that we should love. Period. It does not matter how many people a serial rapist has assaulted. He should still be loved. It doesn’t matter how rude a Facebook friend has been or will be towards you. He or she should still be loved. It doesn’t matter how hateful your supervisor is to you and your co-workers. He or she should still be loved. No one can come to Christ through our witness if we are hateful back. This is Romans 12. This is my attitude in general. And this is my attitude about this subject and towards those who are knowingly "in league with the devil."

***
Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good (http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=romans+12&version1=65).
***

I hope you enjoy this study/series as it develops. Feel free to comment! Just be respectful!

Tornadoes

I have experienced many things in my life. Never have I been evacuated for any of those experiences.

I had arranged to meet an out-of-town friend at a local mall. It was an easy place to find, fairly centrally located and a great place to chat since neither of us drink coffee. We are to meet early evening for an hour and just catch up. Little did we know that I was leading him towards a tornado, according to the loud sirens that can be heard throughout my town.

I repeatedly called him and texted him telling him to do what he needed to do to be safe. I would have felt very badly if he were to be swept away whilst trying to find the mall in the middle of a giant storm. So, my friend was on the interstate, four miles away and stuck in 5pm traffic whilst I was stuck in a teensy closet beside Macy's with a hundred other people.

Freak out mode had begun. If you know me, you know that I'm fairly calm much of the time. I was desperately hoping that being in this closet would not last for very long. Mostly because it's a tiny space and I like my space to be not tiny. Also, I have a wild imagination and I kept envisioning shards of glass pelting people as they tried to reach the doors just before they were closed on everyone as a large, dark and ominous funnel cloud enveloped the stubborn people standing just outside the door.

Thirty minutes later, we were released. No funnel cloud. No shards of glass. No story to tell. Except this boring one that you are forced to read because I have nothing else interesting to share.

:-/ lol

Home

I was recently laid off from a teaching job at a charter school. I was unemployed from June through December of 2010. It was rough. That is for another blog entry.

To make a long story short, I was hired by that school's sister school in a nearby town. I have been teaching for ten years, or thereabouts, and I can honestly say that this is the second place where I feel that I belong. I work on two teams as a special education co-teacher. I work with a group of sixth graders and within that group, my main focus is a handful of students with minor needs (minor to me in the intensity, not in importance). This is the first group of boys and girls that I completely like. LIKE! I love everyone I have ever worked with, but I have not always liked everyone. I'm the kind of person that tries to find something redeeming in all people. I have run across a few that threw me for a loop.

Not this group. They are all rambunctious, pre-pubescent, hormonal bundles of talkative, sassy energy. They all love me to pieces and I love them to pieces. I can joke with them and hug them and cut my eyes at them and even raise my voice (I don't yell) at them and we still have fun. They know I care. I had one of them tell me last week that I have "an amazing personality." I have NEVER been genuinely complimented in such a way by one of my students. I nearly cried. Today, an administrator labeled me as "loving" as she has observed me loving my kids... I nearly cried. Besides my first administrator, I have never been genuinely complimented in such a way.

I truly feel like I am at home. I *am* glad to leave at the end of the day. We work hard at my school. But I don't hate going there in the morning.

On top of that, I love the special ed team and the middle school team that I work with. They are all awesome, loving, genuine and tender souls and I am glad to be a part of their world 10+ hours a day.

<3

Blood

So, I was having a challenging morning and asking certain people to pray for me. Some of them know the circumstances; some of them don't. All of them know me fairly well. I don't ask for many things, but I will ask for prayer.

So, I asked for it. I vented to a co-worker about life things then had to get to work. I was slightly teary-eyed and knew I needed the Lord this morning. I asked for His help and dried my face.

I walked outside to my morning post (which is carpool outside in the cold and rain). My job is to open car doors and help the kiddos out of their vehicles. One car stopped in front of me. It was someone that I recognize but he doesn't recognize me at all. As his daughter gets out of the car, he calls to her, "You're covered by The Blood!" ALL the heaviness I had been feeling for the previous thirty minutes immediately lifted off my shoulders and the rest of the day flowed smoothly, emotionally speaking.

My God is so good, so faithful and knows exactly what my spirit needs to hear.

*sigh* :-D

On Buffy...

"The Body" is my least favorite episode of my favorite television show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. As a matter of fact, "least favorite" would not be an accurate description of my feelings for the episode.

If you have never experienced a death, the death of someone with whom you were close, with whom you spent your whole life up to that point, watch this episode and you will have an inkling of my own experience.

The episode begins with Buffy coming home, calling her mother's name simply to ask her a question. Just another day. She walks into the living room and finds her mother laid out on the couch, eyes wide open, staring up. I remember watching this episode for the first time and cried throughout. Every other time that it has come on while watching reruns of the show, I have turned the channel or deleted it from my queue.

Joss Whedon is a genius. Mainly he has my respect because of this episode. Why? Buffy deals with the discovery of her mother's body by having a series of fuguelike daydreams. She remembers the last time she and her friends were all gathered around the dinner table... Then she comes back to reality. Then the paramedics attempt to resuscitate her mother. She begins to imagine that it was all some kind of mistake;  her mother wakes up, is taken to the hospital and is deemed well. She snaps back to reality. The paramedics are attempting to resuscitate, but her mother is not alive. The paramedics are talking to her; she is listening and is looking at the speaker but she doesn't see the speaker. The camera shows the bottom half of the paramedic's face. She doesn't see him. But he also doesn't see her... He's a paramedic, dealing with this sort of thing on a regular basis.

I distinctly remember having this experience many times. I thought that if I slept in her bed, my sister would come home from third shift and yell at me to leave her room. I had a whole scenario worked out in my head. It didn't happen. She never came home. I thought that she might call. She didn't. She and I worked at the same place and I was sure I'd bump into her at work. We didn't.

The paramedics leave her alone with her mother's body to wait for the coroner. She pukes in the hallway then steps outside. It's sunny outside and children are playing. But the sun looks odd as it shines on her, like it's surreal. This particular scene reminds me of when I experienced my sister's passing and I realized that the world would continue despite the fact that I had lost her forever. The sun didn't have a gleam. Children's laughter hurt my ears. Food was a stupid invention. Work existed to give me something to do. I even stepped out on our patio, as in this episode, and the sun was shining but it seemed dark to me. Birds were chirping, but it was noise. The cat I had at that time (not my sweet Smokey) did not bring me any comfort. He whined all the time, mostly because he had been at home for a few days alone and hungry; not his fault for becoming fairly neurotic. Not mine, either.

I hate this episode of Buffy. But here I am, watching it and crying my face off and writing this blog entry.

I miss my sister (and I am fully prepared to receive all the cliches that people say when they don't know what to say). I do not wish she was here. I know she hated living on this Earth where people are often rude, two-faced and could give a crap about someone outside of themselves. I'm glad she doesn't have to deal with what is going on right now. I'm reminded of her often in the little things. I can now talk about her for a full minute now without getting choked up or watery-eyed.

I hate "The Body" but it is the therapy that I should have continued after her death. Now when people die, I just pray for them to be able to cope with it, for them not to withdraw from the world as I did, to talk to someone and to carefully choose with whom they share (I actually had someone tell me I would get over it). I also pray that this death experience brings the survivors closer to Jesus, because He is literally the only reason I am still standing after all this.

Joss Whedon, thanks for the therapy.

Philippians 1:3-4

The NASB Version reads as follows: "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all..."

The Message reads: "Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart."

My secondary thoughts about this verse point to the fact that it seems the two translations seem to be completely different.

I used to read from the NASB translation as it was easier than the New King James Version. I recently switched over to The Message as I was reading through the Old Testament. The Message, though I still appreciate the King James, New King James and New American Standard Bibles, seems to make the language so plain that it jumps to life for me. This is the case with the verses above.

In the NASB, it does say the author thinks good thoughts when he remembers the members of the church in Philippi. It also reads that when he prays for Philippi, he offers those prayers with joy. That's nice. 

But in The Message, I get a visual. I read that the author leaps about the room thanking the Lord EVERY TIME the members of Philippi cross his mind! Imagine every time you thought of a sibling, a parent, a dear friend and not only did your heart jump with love, but you literally gave a shout out! EACH. TIME. Then, each shout out to your loved one triggers a spontaneous prayer. And that prayer is given "with a glad heart!"

My primary thoughts on this passage: 

Let's further imagine that if we did this for our loved ones, how this spontaneous intercessory prayer would cause just about anything to happen for them! Think about how a lost loved one would experience Love in its truest, purest form for the first time... Think about that friend or spouse who lost his or her job, has been unemployed for months or years and has children that s/he must feed. Think about that co-worker who is lost or financially struggling, or has a terminal illness. Or think about whatever! 

This verse, though I've read it many times over, came alive by reading a different translation. I am convicted to pray spontaneously for everyone that crosses my mind. And the most challenging part is where, even though I might be upset or confused about the situation with one of those people that crosses my mind, I am to give a shout and continue to pray with joy and a glad heart for that person.


How ridiculously simple. How ridiculously beautiful.

I Samuel 8

I want to interact with something I just read in 1 Samuel 8:1-20. Verses 19-20 read (The Message Translation): But the people wouldn't listen to Samuel. "No!" they said. "We will have a king to rule us! Then we'll be just like all the other nations. Our king will rule us and lead us and fight our battles."

I have struggled with various things due to perpetual singleness for 35 years. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never had a man tell me he loves me and then act as though he means it. There has never been one to take me out on a romantic tryst through some city. I've never gotten a rose from a man. Never been kissed out of love from a man. The men just don't come around. Ever. All of this, when I think about it, dwell on it, mull it over, weighs me down. I am a happy, fairly carefree, spirited person who loves deeply, gives generously, and recognizes all her shortcomings, quirks and insecurities. I soldier on. Except when I think about what I don't have or have never had or what-have-you.

So, last night (1.29.11), I got depressed again (mainly due to hormones, but it doesn't matter because I went there and stayed there; I even threw a party) and cried and moaned and complained, begging "Why not me?" Why don’t I have a boyfriend/husband/child(ren)?

This morning, I read 1 Samuel, chapter 8. I paused at verses 19-20 and realized that I was doing what the Israelites had *just* finished doing when they wandered in the desert for 40 years. They whined and complained, as did I, about this, that and the other and God limited their space, time, money, resources, exactly as He had done with me. EXACTLY. (Note: Prior to moving to Atlanta and losing everything, I was not a complainer of anything.) They were eventually given the victory and lived happily for a short time before they forgot what just happened to them, what they had just come through and began doing it again. And this time, they got the victory (a smaller one each time they strayed, but a victory, nonetheless) but not before several thousand died in wars and after God became fairly and exponentially irritated with them.

In verses 19 and 20, they beg for a king. Samuel gives great detail as to how that is a bad idea. A king will rule the land, which is what they are asking for. They think they are asking for security. (They have it in God. They are rejecting that. Again.) They will get a king, and the king will protect them, but the king will also use them, abuse them, and eventually kill them through constraints and circumstances. But they want a king!

I read these verses and realized that in begging for a husband, I am doing the same thing. As a Christian woman, the husband would rule over me (Jesus, husband, wife, children) to protect me. By not allowing God to be my "husband," if you will allow the analogy, and by begging for something I do not have, I am not only rejecting the only "thing" I really need, I am opening myself up to any kind of terror that could befall me by being impatient.

I do remember my wilderness experience as I'm on the outskirts of it; I came out of it in December just before my birthday. I definitely have residual sin from the experience as I languished in my self-pity and incessant complaining. (I am working through it.) I also need to realize God has a plan.

I am not involved in the planning phase of it.

I am simply involved in the Glory-giving phase of it.

I must give Glory for what I *do* have right now. I don't know what the future holds and I really should not be concerned with it. However, I’m human. I do know what my present holds and I know what my past held and I need to be secure in that God knows what's going on as He is the beginning and the end and the Controller of All Things Alicia. He can see what I can't. I know there is someone out there that He has picked out for me and me for him. By begging for a “king” to rule over my and not waiting for Him to provide the most perfectest “king,” I run the risk of doing my own thing and selecting a “king” who would use and abuse (or at the very least, not be a good match in some significant way).

I just have to trust that God will continue to do His thing and I must be about my Father's business in the meantime and continue in obedience to His calling (and I think part of that is what I'm doing right now with this blog) and quit begging for a "king." God will allow me to accept something that is not what He has for me (we have free will :-}), even something it is outside of His original plan; and though He can make it "new plan" work, I truly want only what He has exactly chosen for me (generally speaking, not just the "king" issue).

That is the hard part, I think. Waiting indefinitely, in human terms, because God sees in millenia while we see in days, hours or even minutes.

Why

So, I decided that I wanted to start a blog. Why? I want to write. I love to write. And I long for conversation. Blogging is a one-sided conversation wherein I get to write! Genius. So, here it is. My first entry on my first blog. I hope you have enjoyed it. :)